Barium for breakfast?! My favorite!

NOT!

Ok, now that I'm back from 7th grade, let me just say, if you don't have to get an upper GI done, don't! Of course, why would you?

My "temporary" physician (it's better than the other nicknames I have in mind...I am not fond of this woman) ordered an upper GI to see if my little heartburn problem had caused any real damage.

So, here's how it works.

First, you put on a stylish hospital gown, preferably one that leaves a draft coming in the front so that you feel you will expose your chest at any moment. Check.

Second, you take a little cup with crystals in it and throw them all in your mouth at once, chasing them with another little cup of fluid. The little crystals start reacting at once in your mouth, sort of like medicinal Pop Rocks. Heres the tricky part: you have to swallow them really quickly, so that they pop in your esophogas/stomach and expand, leaving you full of gas...and you can't burp. Or at least, they tell you not to. This process fills you with "air" so they can get a better look. Check (interspersed with quiet burps).

Third, and my personal favorite (note the sarcasm), you start to drink big gulps of chalky, lumpy barium. Mmmmm. In this third step, you will stand up, get x-rayed, then lay down, and get more x-rays. I almost couldn't drink anymore on cue. That was the worst part! Check.

Fourth. While lying down, roll over. Roll over again. Roll part way. Lay on your stomach, lay on your back. You get the picture. Check.

Fifth, you drink a thinner version of the barium mixture. On cue. While lying down. Check.

And if you're lucky (like me, yippee!), at the end, they'll tell you that you're fine.

I guess that the peace of mind was worth drinking and eating all that stuff. Thank God!!